conversationfest. It seems that he was money-poor. He'd lived in ranch camps all his life;
and he confessed to me that his supreme idea of luxury was to ride into camp, tired out
from a round-up, eat a peck of Mexican beans, hobble his brains with a pint of raw whisky,
and go to sleep with his boots for a pillow. When this barge-load of unexpected money
came to him and his pink but perky partner, George, and they hied themselves to this clump
of outhouses called Atascosa City, you know what happened to them. They had money to
buy anything they wanted; but they didn't know what to want. Their ideas of
spendthriftiness were limited to three--whisky, saddles, and gold watches. If there was
anything else in the world to throw away fortunes on, they had never heard about it. So,
when they wanted to have a hot time, they'd ride into town and get a city directory and stand
in front of the principal saloon and call up the population alphabetically for free drinks.
Then they would order three or four new California saddles from the storekeeper, and play
crack-loo on the sidewalk with twenty-dollar gold pieces. Betting who could throw his gold
watch the farthest was an inspiration of George's; but even that was getting to be
monotonous.
"Was I on to the opportunity? Listen.
"In thirty minutes I had dashed off a word picture of metropolitan joys that made life in
Atascosa City look as dull as a trip to Coney Island with your own wife. In ten minutes
more we shook hands on an agreement that I was to act as his guide, interpreter and friend
in and to the aforesaid wassail and amenity. And Solomon Mills, which was his name, was
to pay all expenses for a month. At the end of that time, if I had made good as director-
general of the rowdy life, he was to pay me one thousand dollars. And then, to clinch the
bargain, we called the roll of Atascosa City and put all of its citizens except the ladies and
minors under the table, except one man named Horace Westervelt St. Clair. Just for that we
bought a couple of hatfuls of cheap silver watches and egged him out of town with 'em. We
wound up by dragging the harness-maker out of bed and setting him to work on three new
saddles; and then we went to sleep across the railroad track at the depot, just to annoy the
S.A. & A.P. Think of having seventy- five thousand dollars and trying to avoid the disgrace
of dying rich in a town like that!
"The next day George, who was married or something, started back to the ranch. Me and
Solly, as I now called him, prepared to shake off our moth balls and wing our way against
the arc-lights of the joyous and tuneful East.
"'No way-stops,' says I to Solly, 'except long enough to get you barbered and haberdashed.
This is no Texas feet shampetter,' says I, 'where you eat chili-concarne-con-huevos and then
holler "Whoopee!" across the plaza. We're now going against the real high life. We're going
to mingle with the set that carries a Spitz, wears spats, and hits the ground in high spots.'
"Solly puts six thousand dollars in century bills in one pocket of his brown ducks, and bills
of lading for ten thousand dollars on Eastern banks in another. Then I resume diplomatic
relations with the S.A. & A.P., and we hike in a northwesterly direction on our circuitous
route to the spice gardens of the Yankee Orient.
"We stopped in San Antonio long enough for Solly to buy some clothes, and eight rounds
of drinks for the guests and employees of the Menger Hotel, and order four Mexican
saddles with silver trimmings and white Angora suaderos to be shipped down to the ranch.