"Say," said Pescud, stirring his discarded book with the toe of his right shoe, "did you
ever read one of these best-sellers? I mean the kind where the hero is an American
swell--sometimes even from Chicago- -who falls in love with a royal princess from
Europe who is travelling under an alias, and follows her to her father's kingdom or
principality? I guess you have. They're all alike. Sometimes this going-away masher is a
Washington newspaper correspondent, and sometimes he is a Van Something from New
York, or a Chicago wheat- broker worthy fifty millions. But he's always ready to break
into the king row of any foreign country that sends over their queens and princesses to
try the new plush seats on the Big Four or the B. and 0. There doesn't seem to be any
other reason in the book for their being here.
"Well, this fellow chases the royal chair-warmer home, as I said, and finds out who she
is. He meets here on the corso or the strasse one evening and gives us ten pages of
conversation. She reminds him of the difference in their stations, and that gives him a
chance to ring in three solid pages about America's uncrowned sovereigns. If you'd take
his remarks and set 'em to music, and then take the music away from 'em, they'd sound
exactly like one of George Cohan's songs.
"Well, you know how it runs on, if you ve read any of 'em--he slaps the king's Swiss
body-guards around like everything whenever they get in his way. He's a great fencer,
too. Now, I've known of some Chicago men who were pretty notorious fences, but I
never heard of any fencers coming from there. He stands on the first landing of the royal
staircase in Castle Schutzenfestenstein with a gleaming rapier in his hand, and makes a
Baltimore broil of six platoons of traitors who come to massacre the said king. And then
he has to fight duels with a couple of chancellors, and foil a plot by four Austrian
archdukes to seize the kingdom for a gasoline-station.
"But the great scene is when his rival for the princess' hand, Count Feodor, attacks him
between the portcullis and the ruined chapel, armed with a mitrailleuse, a yataghan, and
a couple of Siberian bloodhounds. This scene is what runs the best-seller into the
twenty- ninth edition before the publisher has had time to draw a check for the advance
royalties.
"The American hero shucks his coat and throws it over the heads of the bloodhounds,
gives the mitrailleuse a slap with his mitt, says 'Yah!' to the yataghan, and lands in Kid
McCoy's best style on the count's left eye. Of course, we have a neat little prize-fight
right then and there. The count--in order to make the go possible--seems to be an expert
at the art of self-defence, himself; and here we have the Corbett-Sullivan fight done over
into literature. The book ends with the broker and the princess doing a John Cecil Clay
cover under the linden-trees on the Gorgonzola Walk. That winds up the love-story
plenty good enough. But I notice that the book dodges the final issue. Even a best-seller
has sense enough to shy at either leaving a Chicago grain broker on the throne of
Lobsterpotsdam or bringing over a real princess to eat fish and potato salad in an Italian
chalet on Michigan Avenue. What do you think about 'em?"
"Why," said I, "I hardly know, John. There's a saying: 'Love levels all ranks,' you know."
"Yes," said Pescud, "but these kind of love-stories are rank--on the level. I know
something about literature, even if I am in plate- glass. These kind of books are wrong,
and yet I never go into a train but what they pile 'em up on me. No good can come out of
an international clinch between the Old-World aristocracy and one of us fresh
Americans. When people in real life marry, they generally hunt up somebody in their